i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize