How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
