If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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