Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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