U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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