Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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