Already got asked if we're dating
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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