I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
