Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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