Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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