She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
