I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
