When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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