this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
