I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
