Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
