nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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