We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
