Moan for me like Helen Keller
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
