I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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