I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
