You don't have asthma, your pregnant
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
