He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
