the only muscles i have these days is kegels
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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