Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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