Say something about gay babies.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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