Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My life is pants optional.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
