We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
