Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
