At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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