she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
