morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
