I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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