I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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