i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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