nut hugger
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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