Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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