She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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