the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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