I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
