My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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