I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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