I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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