I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
