When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
