Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize
