I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
