worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
