Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
