I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
