we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
