So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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