sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
