Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
