He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
