I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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