she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
