The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I love you. Go after that dick
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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